Recognize the Christian environment

Those who quarrel with the church may do so because of the experiences they have had. In the free churches, I myself have experienced a lot of bondage. In the national churches, on the other hand, I repeatedly felt perplexed by the statements of the Bible. Neither seems very helpful to me for a healthy stand in life. When I struggle with churches, it also has something to do with me. Why do I stand in church or why do I stay there when it no longer suits me? Am I encouraged to grow, to become an adult in my community? Is the development of my humanity supported as well as that of my Christianity? Or have I left the (free) church, but it still hurts?

Unfortunately, there is not always an understanding of growth in communities. It becomes particularly problematic when beliefs are nurtured from the drama triangle. This is expressed in expectations of the members and in assessments of this world. When the world becomes the persecutor and the church becomes the savior who turns to you as the victim, the drama triangle is celebrated here. However, if I don’t want to be a victim, then I probably don’t fit into the church concept at all, or more precisely, into the understanding of faith of this or that church.

The pious packages from the drama triangle

This second part of the article is about the pious packaging from the drama triangle. People can transfer their own trepidation in life to their own beliefs and then declare this trepidation binding on others under the pretext of the divine. However, one cannot conclude from one’s own trepidation to a “generally valid concept of faith” more precisely to the community. Do that, and the community will once again trap others in trepidation. Victims, perpetrators and helpers emerge, and the communal experience becomes a game in the drama triangle. I have the impression that in many – mainly free church – communities the drama triangle is part of the identity.

Whoever has the impression that God does not like him, whoever thinks that he has to behave in a certain way in order for God or the community to get or stay right with him, lives in dependence. It is in such an environment that religiously aggrieved people emerge.

The suppression of maturity

In the drama triangle there are only unfree. This also applies to communities where the drama triangle is lived. The more devout and repressive the community, the more serious the injuries seem to be to those who leave – one dare not even imagine the injuries to those who stay!

The healthy urge to live is subordinated to the community. Even in good communities, there will be people who choose that corner of the experience to stay in. If a community wants to remain healthy, it needs the courage to guide its members to maturity. Where this fails to happen, there is a danger that the game of drama triangle will spread throughout the community.

Four steps of transformation

Wherever the drama triangle takes place, whether in personal relationships or in faith communities, it is problematic. You cannot transform the drama triangle. You can only get out.

Only those who step out can step into a transformation. You can only take this step yourself. Those who are damaged by the community can drop out, withdraw, and go through the process of recovery and transformation themselves. This is the only real version of change. It takes courage to stand across the consensus of the community – perhaps for the first time to stand up for oneself unreservedly, lovingly, and decisively.

It takes courage to question, courage to find new answers, courage to break the silence, courage to look, courage to feel, courage to reflect. Those who venture through their own pain and uncertainty find better answers.

These are the 4 steps of transformation:

1. Recognize that your religious world conflicts with life (dare to look)
2. Exit from the drama triangle. Reflection on yourself, your humanity, your very own questions (give it space)
3. Become human, become independent, become responsible. Be grateful for who you are. (love yourself)
4. Liberation from dogmatic and ideological prescriptions. A new engagement with the Bible. (become free in faith)

Whenever someone breaks free from bondage, fear arises. Fear in community and fear in personally letting go of familiar things. The apostle John writes in regard to fear, how to counter it:

“Fear is not in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. But he who fears has not yet become perfect in love.”
1Joh 4,18

Growing up has to do with love

Loved, so free of fear. This is how John indicated it. Those who set out to become free may orient themselves to God’s love. God is love. That is His essence. This love may and should permeate – in our life, in our contemplation of the world, in our understanding. There is no reason to get stuck in rigid attitudes about life or in old pains. Love drives out fear. Love is the start of something new.

Paul envisions the edification of the church in such a way that the church becomes “a matured man” and we are “no longer minors” (Eph. 4:12-14). Maturity and maturity are the goal, that is, responsible autonomy, both in matters of life and faith. To be mature, to be mature, to be able to stand independently, like a rock. The apostle sees this as a stated goal for the church. But how is this to be achieved?

Truthfulness

“But if we are true, we should make everything grow in love, into Him who is the Head, Christ, from whom the whole body (…) carries out the growth of the body for its own edification in love.”
Eph 4:15-16

This is an exciting context. “To be true” and “to make grow in love” belong together. Being true has something to do with ourselves. Making everything grow has to do with the community. These are two aspects that belong together. The connection between the two is love. Love is how our faith manifests itself. For it seems that only in love can we make things grow. Those who are true are asked to make everything grow in love. Only those who are “true” can provide this contribution. Those who persist in orthodoxy, who persist in quarreling with God and the world, who do not want to feel the pain but live in avoidance strategies, cannot become truthful. It can’t become free either. It takes courage to make a change. It takes courage to love yourself. It takes courage to let go.

Those who persist in orthodoxy, who persist in quarreling with God and the world, who do not want to feel the pain but live in avoidance strategies, cannot become truthful.

It is amazing how strongly this “growing up” according to the Bible is accompanied by love. Love is the abiding thing (1Cor 13:13). Love is the “bond of perfection” writes Paul (Col 3:14). Faith becomes effective only through love (Gal 5:6). One becomes a lover in the same measure as one grows up. Paul summarizes a healthy and adult attitude toward life as follows:

“As beloved children, become now imitators of God, walking in love, even as Christ also lovesyou.”
Eph 5:1-2

In the biblical narrative, love is something that comes from God without reservation. This is the source. There are no expectations and no conditions for this love to flow. God is love. He emphasizes His love toward us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Rom 5:8). It would therefore be out of place for us to get stuck in “not feeling loved.” There is no point at all. There is unconditional love for everyone. It’s like seed money.

When I complain, I blame others for my happiness. However, when I grow up, I take responsibility for my feelings, for my story, for my thoughts. Then I can become a lover.

I wish you the same.